Dialga and Palkia and Pure Evil: A Tale in and out of the Abyss
by LovelessNobodyXIII
Summary: Dialga and Palkia get so high that they travel back in time. Can they save the absorption gate under Omaha Nebraska from being destroyed by Daniel Shaw and his six god generals?
1. Chapter 1: Things Happen

Dialga, Palkia, and Pure Evil: a Tale in and out of the Abyss Episode 1: Things happen

By Arthur P. Geddermeyer

"Maybe the universe isn't actually a universe, and we're just sitting here in what we consider a universe but is in actuality a single cell of a tiger that is itself in a universe." Dialga said as it took the blunt it was heating off of Primal Groudon's fire back. He psychically pulled it toward his mouth using psychic powers because his arms are legs and using his legs as arms would offset his balance and breathed in the marijuana.

"I don't believe that is in any way the truth. I think I'd know, I am the universe. Seeing as how it is me, I should know more about it than most people." Palkia replied. Palkia has actual arms so it was able to grab the blunt out of Dialga's psychic link and began to smoke. There was no weed left in the blunt and Palkia began to cry but nobody noticed because Primal Groudon gets rid of water.

"Are you guys going to be using my back to get high for long? I need to get to my part time job at Catanzaro's pizza, the greatest pizza in the Eastern United States. I am the oven, and it is my job to turn dough, sauce, cheese and the customer's topping of preference into delicious pizza. That is a job I take very seriously because I am an importance piece which the creation of pizza relies on while the other employees at Catanzaro's are just cogs in the machine that could not operate without me turning the gears. Without me and my crippling narcissism there would be no pizza. Nobody would be able to put buffalo chicken on pizza, nobody would be able to put barbecue chicken on pizza, and nobody would be able to put toppings that are vastly inferior to buffalo chicken and barbecue chicken on pizza. I should probably bring that thing I said about narcissism up to my therapist. Now that I think about it, I don't actually have a therapist, and I don't have a part time job. The pizzas at Catanzaro's are made in an actual oven and if they tried to use my skin to make them it'd just burn into nothingness because I am literal magma. Oh no, I am also high." Groudon told himself and instinctively started walking away. Without the alluring allure of marijuana to smoke, Dialga and Palkia could only enjoy the wonders of Omaha, Nebraska. I was talking about both the city and the Bowling For Soup song.

Omaha, Nebraska was the first US territory to have fallen into the Qliphoth. Reporters had leaked news to CNN that an absorption gate under Ontario had been destroyed a few weeks prior, but CNN never aired the footage because it couldn't be used to incriminate Donald Trump of Russian collusion. Also nobody knew what a Qliphoth was. When Wolff Blitzer tried to tell his wife about the incident in Ontario she looked at him in a state of confusion and disbelief because she had never played Tales of the Abyss. Wolff Blitzer tried and failed to explain what the Qliphoth was to his wife, but he was unable to since he too had never played Tales of the Abyss. He didn't watch the anime adaptation either so when Daniel Shaw went south to attack the absorption gate that carried Nebraska nobody knew to stop him.

"Man, now how are we going to light up our stash?" Palkia let out a second series of tears, but there was no magma god to stop his tears from visualizing so Dialga could see him cry this time. Dialga's yellow angry dinosaur eyes peered over the little droplets of water plinking off of Palkia's pink sad dinosaur eyes. In that moment, Dialga had begun to understand empathy for the first time in his near eternal life.

Dialga was caught off guard. His strongest enemy and greatest rival had both come to him as a friend and five hours later the two of them were getting really high in a pool of poison. Dialga didn't expect to spend four hours falling with a city that had been slated for destruction six hours before his strongest enemy and greatest rival had both come to him as a friend. He didn't expect his strongest enemy and greatest rival to be the same person either, but here they both were; sitting in a pool of miasma, using it to get high, and his strongest enemy and greatest rival was crying. The land dreadnought Tartaros drove by in the ocean of miasma I'd previously described as a pool and Dialga felt the need to jump into action to protect Palkia's emotions from the laughing gaze of Jade the Necromancer. You the reader, even if you've never played, seen, or interacted with Tales of the Abyss, instinctively knew that Jade the Necromancer would mock Palkia if he saw it crying.

Palkia was caught off guard. A guy whose bag of chips he'd accidentally taken a bite out of when they were in grade school was watching him cry. The two had met in a chance encounter as both had stumbled to Omaha Nebrask to watch [Omaha Nebraska Baseball Team] and [Omaha Nebraska Football Team] play a rousing game of FootBaseball. Both Dialga and Palkia were huge fans of FootBaseball, a game I will never describe the rules of. Palkia had wanted to pay for his sins by giving his grade school companion multiple bags of chips and a delicious whole cow of beef but the tree of the planet's memories that kept a "the state of Nebraska" sized chunk of the Earth's Crust from falling into the Miasma that surrounded the long abandoned real surface of the Earth was destroyed. The splash their giant bodies created when they hit the actual miasma shot miasma over all of Omaha, and killed a vast majority of the citizens living in Omaha. The other citizens of Omaha were only horribly scarred and would never feel that they could properly love again so naturally the two got high to avoid the pain of the realization of manslaughter. With no marijuana to mask his emotions, the crushing weight of his sins forced tears out of Palkia's living soul. Palkia's soul was a metaphor for his eyes.

"We need to get more weed, but how will we heat it up?" Palkia questioned indiscriminately as a second wave was created due to his weight and pushed the skeletons of his victims up into the air. The miasma had melted all of their skin and organs away so the skeletons were all that remained.

"I think I have a solution old champion." Dialga replied. Palkia used special rend so they could create a portal. Dialga and Palkia walked into the portal and in doing so walked into a diner in the middle of new Orleans. They were too large for the diner so the diner was immediately destroyed. The angry man working the counter was both angry and disappointed at the same time. It was Anatoli Sergievski. "Hey Anatoli, do you have any edibles?"

"I've told you this several times Dialga, I don't deal drugs, I play chess. Those careers couldn't be any more dissimilar." Anatoli said.

"You could have taken it up as a hobby though." Said Palkia.

"I didn't." Said Anatoli.

"I don't know what it is you're looking for, but I know someone who can get it for you." Charles from my play came out of the kitchen because this was the diner his wife would open at the end of the play. "Her name is the Free Market." Charles began to lead over the counter of his wife's now destroyed diner trying to look cool but Charles is kinda a dick and dicks aren't cool. He would've looked cool if he were a genuine person though. Genuine people can look cool doing anything. Charles continued to lean awkwardly in hopes of gaining the approval of his peer and two giant fucking dragons but he never gained their approval.

"Where can we find this mystery woman?" Dialga asked. He was very loud but Charles didn't care. Charles pointed outside of the diner so Dialga and Palkia left the diner. There was a woman outside of the diner. Palkia wrote her a check for $60,000 because he had arms and Dialga did not and the woman reached into her coat pocket to give Dialga a bar of white chocolate. It was the evil.

"Sweet, we finally have an edible. Give me a piece of that dude." Dialga said. He broke off half of the evil and swallowed it before Palkia was able to comprehend.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to have that much? I mean the author just described this shit as the evil for a reason. It's probably evil." Palkia said.

"Ahhhh, you're crazy. Take the other half, it'll be fun." Dialga psychic moved the other half of the evil into Palkia's mouth and it went down Palkia's throat so it technically ate the half of the evil too. Palkia was annoyed but time moved forward for an hour until time moved backwards. "Oh shit, I think time is moving backwards. There's gotta be something we can do about this." Dialga was worried because time is kinda his thing. If it was moving backwards without his express written consent he was probably incredibly high. And he was.

"How do we get out of this wacky situation?" Palkia was incredibly high too so Dialga and Palkia started shrinking to the size of humans so it wouldn't be weird that they were the size of humans.

"I think I know somewhere we can go to deal with this." Dialga said and Palkia created a special rend to take them to Warehouse 13. Artie was moving backwards in time so he wouldn't give a shit if Dialga and Palkia fucked with any artifacts because when time started moving forward again, they'd get unfucked with so Dialga and Palkia had free reign to do whatever they wanted with any artifact. Dialga grabbed for itself Heath Hindman's guitar and started shredding in hopes that it would get him less high but it got him more high. Time was moving backwards even faster than it was before. Time was moving so far backwards that the rate at which time was moving backwards became negative infinity and the action of being less than negative infinity made time move forward again.

"Now what do we do?" Palkia asked now that time was moving forward again. "?od ew od tahw woN" palkia asked seeing as how since time was moving forward everything that happened in forward in reverse time was happening backward in normal time. However, Dialga was able to act normally in normal time because he is time so he continued to search around the warehouse. Eventually he came across Pete Lattimer.

"Who are you?" said Dialga.

"I'm Pete Lattimer." Said Pete Lattimer. "I'm an agent of Warehouse 13. We're like Xaoilin Showdown but rated TV-14."

"Cool. Can you help me find something that can let Palkia act in reverse time so he can reverse how he's currently acting in reverse time?"

"An artifact was actually just created that lets people un reverse people acting in reverse time. It's called 'Wolff Blitzer's sunglasses." Pete Lattimer said and the two used fast travel to get to Wolff Blitzer's secret home in Omaha Nebraska.

"How did you guys fast travel over here?" asked Wolff Blitzer? "I'm trying to explain to my wife how everyone in Omaha Nebraska is in grave danger."

"From the Absorption gate getting destroyed and dropping Omaha Nebraska into the Qliphoth?" Dialga said with a concerned gaze.

"Holy shit, talking dragon. I didn't even believe in dragons that don't talk." Said Wolff Blitzer.

"That's beside the point man. Where's your artifact?" Pete yelled. Wolff's artifact was on his face, so Pete Lattimer grabbed it off his face and Palkia was warped there as well. Pete placed the glasses on Palkia's lizard face and Palkia was able to move independent of any timeline that had previously been established.

"Now were you saying something about a Qliphoth? Because I remember being in one of those somewhere in the old timeline." Dialga said.

"You visited the Qliphoth?" Said Wolff Blitzer? "What's it like? I've never played tales of the abyss."

"It's just a lot of poison. Not the healthiest thing to fall into. I'd advise against it." Said Palkia.

"Then we need to protect the Absorption gate from Daniel Shaw." Said Wolf Blitzer.

"You mean the villain from Chuck who kept coming back even though Chuck killed him twice?" Palkia asked.

"That's the one. He has a the intersect and everything." Said Wolf Blitzer. His teeth started rattling at the thought of Daniel Shaw's the intersect. It was supposed to be more powerful than Chuck's the intersect but that didn't stop Chuck from killing him twice so Dialga and Palkia weren't scared.

But Pete Lattimer was scared. "I don't think we can deal with him guys. He has a the intersect and everything." Pete cried and ran to hide his tears in Wolff Blitzer's fluffy jewfro.

"Then it's a good thing we have a shit ton of guns boys." A voice said from outside of the room. It was Anatoli Sergievski from 9 hours in the past so he was edgy past Anatoli who liked guns and enjoyed shooting. The entire party was surprised that Anatoli was not apprehended by security trying to enter Wolf Blitzer's house because was carrying 14 AR-15s, one for each of his companions and ten for himself. Anatoli was able to hold each gun by the trigger using one finger alone, being the chess world champion lets you do that, but you have to keep it a secret from the rest of society. If word got out that guys who were really good at chess could shoot ten guns at the same time bad guys would start learning to play chess and good guys would start learning to play chess to apprehend the bad guys.

The five heroes stood in harmony. Dialga wanted to spend eternity with a rival turned friend. Palkia wanted the opportunity to give a man he bullied in grade school chips and a whole cow of beef without interruption. Pete Lattimer was just kinda there (he's the Kakyoin of the group). Wolf Blitzer wanted to betray the party and join Shaw to learn all of the secrets of the Trump using Shaw's the intersect. Anatoli Sergievski wanted another opportunity to shoot things with his 10 AR-15s. With all of their goals in mind, the crusaders from the evil future stepped out of Wolf's home. Their journey to Omaha Nebraska's absorption gate would finally begin.

To Be Continued.


	2. CH 2: Somewhere Between 3-6 God Generals

Dialga and Palkia and Pure Evil Chapter 2

Somewhere Between Three and Six of the Six God Generals of Daniel Shaw.

By Arthur P. Geddermeyer

After what had felt like several months of standing around doing nothing but was actually ten seconds the crusaders from the evil future felt they were prepared to venture toward the absorption gate. The warm Nebraska Air outside Wolf Blitzer's mansion sent an ominous wind flowing between the party's arms. Something was wrong. Nobody wanted to bring it up, but something important was stopping them from taking the first steps.

"We're all out of weed." Dialga sighed and slammed his legs to the ground in frustration. "We can't defeat Daniel Shaw without it."

"And it's early May, not a dealer to be found." Palkia replied. It created a small recreation of the galaxy in its hand and gazed into it, hoping to find a quality weed guy within twelve miles, but the closest drug dealer was on vacation in Fiji. He was having the greatest time, sipping on a Bahama Mama while flirting with multiple girls who wanted nothing to do with him at the same time. He would return at the end of the month with an awful sunburn and tales of multiple loose women who didn't have sex with him, but if the crusaders failed he would return to a seemingly bottomless pit filled with poison where his home had once been. This man sold really dank kush and being homeless would bring him into a pit of depression that could potentially inspire him to return to college, finish his degree in engineering, and get his life back on track. Within seven years he'd be married and have two amazing children if the crusaders failed. He wouldn't need to deal drugs to have a fulfilling life. With this in mind Palkia felt they needed to save Nebraska even more. The weed was that good.

"I have a meth guy on speed dial." Wolf said, reaching for his cell phone. Pete Lattimer smacked the phone out of Wolf's hand before he could get off the lock screen.

"We just want to defeat Shaw, that'll get us high enough to destroy Neptune." Pete yelled. He reached into his pocket for his Tesla. It was only powerful enough to stun a man, but Pete would rather have Wolf get stunned than be able to get them meth.

"I've got my ten AR-15s, that's all I need." Anatoli interjected. He pointed two of his guns into the air and started firing into the air randomly. He saw it in a movie once and thought it would be fun. It was very fun.

"well how are we supposed to fight without drugs?" said Dialga?

"Did someone say they need drugs?" A boy called out Italianly. Almost as if he'd appeared out of thin air young chef Takumi Aldini appeared. He was carrying with him a large backpack filled with cooking supplies. "I have the most powerful drug and amazing drug ever created by humanity: coffee."

"Thanks for the effort kid, but we need Marijuana. That's the only thing powerful enough to give us the creative energy to defeat Shaw. He has a the intersect, those things don't mess around." Pete said.

"You don't need marijuana to fight. The skill is inside each and every one of you, you just need to believe in yourselves." Takumi's words pierced into each crusader's heart. Every fiber of their being was filled with a powerful energy that was inside of them the whole time that they didn't know to look for. It was the power of me projecting my insecurities onto them all and realizing that I can write without being high. "Can I join you all? I need to protect my father's domain."

Everybody and their mother knew that Takumi Aldini was the son of the Goddermeyer, lord of the environment. He'd been adopted into the Aldini family and used his demigod powers to outshine his younger brother in cooking. When Erina Nakiri tasted his specialty, whole cow of beef, the bestowing energy granted by it was so powerful that everyone on the planet was stripped and the Tootski Teahouse cooking academy was closed to be replaced with the Takumi Aldini academy of whole cow of beef. The crusaders knew Takumi would be a valued addition to their team and accepted him immediately. Palkia hacked himself so that he'd be able to use dig and dug a giant hole to the front of the absorption gate. Dialga grabbed for himself his lucky dark green weed pipe and all six jumped in. It was time for them to battle Daniel Shaw.

It was not time for them to battle Daniel Shaw. The actual door to the absorption gate was locked, and to get to it they would need to defeat the six god Generals of Daniel Shaw: Dio the resourceful, Steven Universe the Fat, Captain America the fast, Sanji the pirate, Patrick Bateman the businessman, and the sixth god general of Daniel Shaw the sixth. Nobody knew the identity of the sixth god general. He always wore a cloak like he was some kind of scary cultist or sith lord, and nobody was brave enough to take it off. The only thing people knew about him was that he always carried with him a copy of one the Goddermeyer's holy texts, "Intellectuals and Society" by Thomas Sowell. The god Generals stood between the crusaders and Shaw. He had not made it into the Absoprtion gate either.

"A reading, from the book of Sowell." Called the sixth God General. "Chapter 10. Verse 72 'In short, the image of Hoover depicted by the intelligentsia was that of a do-nothing president.'" The ground below them all began to shake. The bright light shining over the door to the absorption gate began to dissipate as the door slowly sunk towards the qliphoth and Shaw walked in.

"We're going to stop you Shaw. I'll bet Wolf's life on it." Dialga yelled as the door moved upwards, back into its locked state.

"Like hell you will." Shaw replied as the door finally closed and the God Generals began their attack.

Captain America was so fast that he was able to move faster than the infinite expansion of space. He used all of his fast energy to push Palkia out of the universe into a pocket dimension of his own creation. Palkia noticed nothing wrong. He grabbed Captain America and threw him to the ground. When Captain America fell into the waste high pool of gravy Palkia noticed that the two of them were fighting in a waste high pool of gravy.

"What's going on here? What happened to my friends?" Palkia yelled. The gravy was making it harder for him to move and was so thick that it couldn't be seen through. Captain America could attack at any second, and Palkia wouldn't be able to see it coming.

"Welcome to the United Universe of America bitch." Captain America yelled. He leapt out of the gravy behind Palkia. Within moments, Captain America's shield had been forced into Palkia's back. Palkia lost his balance, tripped, and began to fall into the gravy pool.

Palkia could now see that what he'd thought was the ground was a giant perfectly cooked turkey. He was slowly losing breath and within moments Captain America would dive into the gravy to look for him. If it were a pool of water Palkia would be able to battle Dialga without trouble but Palkia was not a gravy type so he was outclassed. Palkia used special rend to create a small hole of oxygen he could breathe in and collect his thoughts.

The United Universe of America was Captain America's perfect world. He created it himself to be the greatest America anyone could imagine. His first action as eternal god-president of every species was to have the USA conquer the entire earth and then invade space. Within moments all of the universe was under Cap's control. He gathered all six infinity stones within moments and used their immense energy to turn every planet into a roast turkey. Their oceans were all magically transformed into gravy. Thanos was so embarrassed that he didn't think to do something similar that he exploded in shame and all was well in the world. After fifteen million generations every species evolved to live under and breathe gravy. It was truly the most delicious universe anyone could imagine.

The gravy keeping Palkia from being able to fight with all of his strength was getting deeper. A group of gravy mermaids grabbed Palkia and pulled him deeper. Captain America sank into the ever-expanding ocean of gravy and started unleashing a near unending series of punches upon Palkia. Palkia didn't know how much longer it could last receiving blows that fast and powerful; he was running out of energy.

Without energy, Palkia began to fade in and out of consciousness. His mind would shut down and he'd be knocked out only to be rudely awakened by a powerful shield slam to the gut. Palkia was truly trapped in muddy water. In a last-ditch effort to stay alive Palkia used water pulse just before Captain America was about to land a punch. The mermaids and Cap were pushed back just long enough for Palkia to use special rend and create a portal out of the United Universe of America.

Gravy flooded out of the portal into the normal universe. Captain America was pulled in and he and Palkia got into a test of strength.

"I am a Vegan and this man tried to make me eat some meat!" Palkia yelled. This sentence was the summoning call of magical vegan crusader John Sakars. J-Sak arrived as he was summoned and brought his mystical butcher's knife of veganism with him. Legends said Sakar's knife could kill a meat eater with one stab to the kidney, just like a normal knife would. The legends were correct, Captain America was dead in seconds. "Thanks John Sakars."

"No problem my fellow Vegan brother. I hope when you pass you'll get to join me in Vegan-halla the perfect resting place." John Sakars said and disappeared back into the darkness of the absorption gate.

The other ten combatants saw Captain America and Palkia disappear, only to reappear moments later. They'd see John Sakars appear out of nowhere and stab Captain America moments later. Anatoli Sergievski used the distraction as an opportunity to open fire and launched all ten of his AR-15s on the remaining god generals. Steven Universe the fat noticed this just in time and created a bubble shield to protect them all from the gunfire. Patrick Bateman grabbed his favorite stabbing knife and rushed out of the shield into Anatoli's open gunfire. Each bullet that pierced Bateman ran through his flesh but continued moving unphased by the holes being constantly torn into his skin.

"For the Goddess who shalt not be named!" Patrick yelled as he stabbed his knife into Anatoli's left hand. The pain was so immense that Anatoli had to stop shooting five of his AR-15s. The holes in Patrick's body became so large Anatoli was able to see that there was something under Patrick's flesh. It was the body of a portly Russian man.

"Shit. He's a goddamned skinwalker." Anatoli yelled, never once easing fire. The skin of Patrick Bateman that was being worn by the skinwalker had finally been torn off revealing his true face. If he'd lost a few pounds he'd have looked so similar to Anatoli that it could be assumed they were the same person. It was Pierre Bezukhov, the protagonist from War and Peace. "Fuck! I've never read War and Peace, it's too long. I don't know his weakness. Someone help me out here." Anatoli called unbeknownst to the fact that he wouldn't need to Pierre's weakness to defeat him. Turns out that point blank open fire from five AR-15s was all that was needed to kill a skinwalker.

Wolf Blitzer used the distraction created by Anatoli brought about by the distraction created by Palkia and Captain America to sneak over to the door leading to the absorption gate. He moved his arms over the door, trying to determine its secrets.

"You won't be able to open that door without the password. I'd know because I designed it." The sixth god general tapped Wolf on the shoulder, catching him by surprise. His face was still covered by his cloak.

"That means that in reality, you're…" Wolf Blitzer reached to pull the sixth God General's cloak off. "Thomas Sowell!" Yes, the sixth God General of Daniel Shaw was Thomas Sowell the prophet. Sowell was the writer of one the Goddermeyer's three holy texts. Books two and three had been lost to history, the only people who knew about them were the reporters at CNN who'd been taught about the qliphoth. They'd documented how the surface of the earth was raised out of the Miasma and how Sowell and the other two authors locked the absorption gates from humanity to keep them safe. "Why would you destroy something you helped to create?" Wolf asked.

"The Goddermeyer has enacted operation Herbert Hoover for far too long. He's been doing nothing and because of it the climate is changing faster than it should. It's causing the Miasma to grow stronger and it will eventually reach the surface. Accelerating the process is the only way to wake him up and force him to solve the problem." Sowell said, quietly.

"Now I want the Goddermeyer to wake up too, all of us do Tom but this is insane. Surely there's a better way, what Shaw's doing is insane." Blitzer said.

"Don't play with me Wolf. I know why you joined the crusaders. You want the intersect's knowledge and would do anything for it." Sowell laughed. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a dark green gemstone.

"I came to reason with Shaw. This can't happen Tom, please." Wolf pleaded and reached for Sowell's arm.

"If that's true where did Shaw get this Pjojewel? Sorry Wolf, this has to happen." Tom thrust his Pjojewel into Wolf's back. Wolf fell unconscious and Thomas slipped back into the main fight.

During their exchange, the other three god generals had matched up with a respective crusader. To a casual observed Dialga and Dio seemed to be teleporting around the battlefield, but they were moving in stopped time landing blow after blow on each other. Palkia was lending Dialga help as much as it could, but it was very difficult for him to do so. Pete Lattimer had used supporting fire from Anatoli to sneak into Steven's bubble shield and since Steven is a twelve year old boy he had no trouble getting him into a headlock. Takumi and Sanji had both put the finishing touches on their dishes and placed a meal ticket into them. Takumi's whole cow of beef transformed from a delicious meal into a hulking cow goliath that stood three stories tall. Sanji's salmon transformed into a pretty good looking salmon man with a hammer and the two beasts fought.

Sowell arrived back in the battle just in time to see Dialga grab his pipe from whatever he was holding his weed pipe with. Using the pipe as a makeshift amplifier powered his roar of time up enough to knock the other nine combatants onto the ground. Thomas Sowell was the first to get up. He noticed the pipe and his jaw fell to the floor.

"Dragon thing, do you know what that is?" Thomas asked, running toward Dialga reaching to grab the pipe it out of his hand.

"It's my lucky weed pipe. I take it with me everywhere I go." Dialga replied confidently.

"You mean to tell me you've been using a Pjojowel to get high?" Thomas said, completely in shock.

TO BE CONTINUED.


	3. Chapter 3: The Isaac Mines

Dialga, Palkia, And Pure Evil: Chapter 3: The Isaac Mines

By Arthur P. Geddermeyer

"Hey everybody welcome back to Northernlion plays the Binding of Isaac: AFTERBIRTH+. I'm really hoping this is a strong run because boy do I have a good anecdote for you all today. I was going to play the Bone Lord, but maybe we'll get lucky and Eden will give us something good. Maybe a guppy item, brimstone is always welcome, just give me something good and give me something fast. Going in we've got great damage, fantastic rate of fire, two red hearts nothing to complain about here, and of course let's check the seed. Okay so the seed has been generated using the Armenian alphabet somehow, I'd love to read it off but I don't think I can. If you can type those in, be my guest, and would you look at that we're starting with guppy's tail and guppy's head. First room hasn't been any trouble so far, and a card has immediately been dropped. It's the joker, immediate first floor devil deal. Oh my god, it's nine lives we are immediately Guppy.

We're in luck folks, we're not going to be needing to talk about Isaac for a long time. This is one of those runs that's been blessed from the start. So anyway, about a few weeks back famed economist Thomas Sowell came knocking on my door. He says to me 'Hey NL, you need to take me to the Isaac Mines.' So I tell him 'Tom, you know I love you. I've read all your books; some of them twice but you have to understand that the Isaac Mines aren't a real place. They're an allegory for how I slave over my pouring hot keyboard to bring fresh Isaac content to a bunch of angry teenagers every day. If they don't have anyone to get mad at for messing up a pot play they might revolt against their machine overlord, death Empress Ramona Flowers, gynoid queen of Canada's seedy underbelly.' This was back when I'd experimented with actually chaining myself to my computer so I could eat, sleep, and breathe Isaac, but Tom was determined. 'You don't understand,' he told me, 'The Isaac mines are the secret entrance into Ontario's Absorption gate. An associate and I are trying to get through and my old friend Elon told me you're the only one who knows where they are.'

Now you can't just go around using Elon Musk's name in vain so I had Kate grab the key to my shackles and I walked Tom to the door. Now I'd have assumed that it was just a weird dream if Mathas hadn't texted me minutes later asking if I'd been visited by Thomas Sowell. So I gave Mathas a call.

'Mathas, is Thomas Sowell with you right now?' I asked?

'he is' Mathas replied.

'did he ask you about the Isaac mines?'

'that he did.' So I told Mathas to put me on speaker phone.

'Tom. You can't go around harassing streamers telling them to take you into a bunch of underground caves that don't exist.' I was getting peeved so I hung up on Mathas and Thomas Sowell and got back to recording Wizard of Legend. I was on floor 2-1 when someone else knocked on my door. Now at this point I was getting annoyed so I tried ignoring them and they knocked again. When I didn't answer the door, knocking turned into live gunfire and chess world champion Anatoli Sergievski came running into my apartment with two dragons, actual demigod Takumi Aldini, and some guy I'd never met.

So Anatoli runs up to me, starts violently shaking me by the neck and yells 'Was Thomas Sowell just here?' and I'm getting a bit scared so I tell him yes and one of the dragons, this one was blue, gets really annoyed.

'NL, you need to take us to the Isaac Mines.' It yelled at me. 'Tom wants to destroy Ontario, he's working for Daniel Shaw. We're from the future of the future. We went to the past to stop him, but we failed and went to the past's past.' Now of course Daniel Shaw needed no introduction, that man has a the intersect but I'll get to that later, let's talk about the run for a minute. We had no trouble on the entire first floor by immediately becoming guppy; we have flies everywhere but if there's anything I could ask for, slightly higher rate of fire could be nice. We're coming up on the second floor boss room and we have enough bombs where it shouldn't be a problem. We're fighting the widow so bombs really are a viable strategy. Damage is high enough where one or two should do the trick, and magic mushroom; game you shouldn't have. We unfortunately miss the devil deal so all there is to do is move onto the next floor and hope for the best.

Now I tried explaining to Anatoli and his friends once again that the Isaac Mines aren't a real place but they were having none of it. So get this, the man whose name I never learned, might have been Pike Lattimorph or something, didn't really get an opportunity to speak with him, takes a large rock out of nowhere and throws it at my computer. I look to him and yell 'Hey you not nice dude. (now I didn't actually call him a not nice dude. I used stronger language, but I'm censoring myself because you know I still want that all access rating) computers cost a lot of money.' But where my computer once stood was a hole in the floor that seemed to go on forever.

'Thanks NL' the pink dragon yelled and all four of them hopped into the hole. Now I'm not going to beat around the bush, I swore at those men. All ages rating be damned 'What the Fuck guys.' I yelled and hopped in after them.

Surprisingly I suffered now falling damage even though I'd fell for a solid minute. I'd landed safely on the back of Pike, but somehow he was strong enough to not sustain damage either. These were what I could only assume were the famous Isaac mines I'd joked about for years. Various passives were embedded into the walls, the floor was littered with pennies and one crudely drawn image of Mom's knife was etched onto the only door we could see. After the five of us looked around, we could see that aside from us there was only one other man. If you really wanted to, you could probably describe him as strapping.

'Hey I'm Dan, the gatekeeper. Welcome to the Isaac mines.' Dan yelled. 'You just missed Thomas Sowell and Steven Universe. They were some pretty cool dudes. Want some cocaine?'

'No. Drugs are bad. Have some coffee' Takumi yelled and Dan was caught off guard. 'It's made of plants though.' He said and boy was he earnest almost like he genuinely believed that being made of plants made cocaine okay.

'How are we supposed to get further? It looks like the door is locked.' Pike called out and Dan explained that the way to get in is by sinning a bit. Now I think he was expecting one of us to ask him to suck their dick so when Anatoli took out an AR-15 and shot him several times in the foot he whined in agony and the door slid open. Since I thought I'd need a weapon I grabbed the actual Mom's knife out of the rock face of the Isaac Mines and the six of us walked in.

'You fight dirty Steven Universe the Fat. I want a rematch.' Pike yelled once he was in the actual Isaac mines and rushed forward without thinking. He didn't notice a Chubber walking by and he got knocked to the floor by the charger it shoots out, no recoil damage in real life guys. Pike stumbled back up and grabbed a small gun from his pocket. It shot a small burst of electricity that knocked the chubber down, and we continued to pace forward. After a short while we could hear the joyous singing of Steven Universe the fat, who I would later learn is one of Daniel Shaw's six god generals. I didn't really agree with calling him Steven Universe the fat, I thought it was kinda mean and he could probably kick my ass but I didn't want to start a fight I assumed those would come later.

'I am the wolf, and I will feed until I'm full. I am the wolf (I am the wolf), Save yourself.' Steven sang while skipping through the mines with a smile on his face. Bats would try to attack him but Steven would quickly kill them by using his shield as a boomerang, kinda like Captain America would. It's almost like Captain America himself was an ally of Steven and taught him how to properly fight with a shield. That'd be pretty cool I guess.

Now Steven was leading us right to the end of the Isaac mines and we wouldn't have had to navigate their cavelike presence on our own if Pike hadn't started squealing like a banshee and tackled him to the ground.

'This is for Wolf. He was a workplace acquaintance you son of a bitch.' Pike yelled as he punched steven in the head and the two were trapped in a bubble shield together. Anatoli tried to shoot through it using one of his five guns, which I had no idea how he was holding, but the shield wouldn't budge.

I finally had an opportunity to ask what exactly was going on. According to the blue dragon, whose name was Dialga, they traveled to the past to stop Daniel Shaw from sinking all of Omaha Nebraska into a massive abyss that separated the Earth's crust from the rest of the planet. The other dragon, Palkia, then explained that Thomas Sowell stole their lucky weed pipe decreeing that a relic that powerful shouldn't have been used for getting high in the first place. Using magical abilities that were taught to him by his the intersect, Daniel Shaw was able to use a relic of his own to destroy something called an absorption gate under the city so they traveled to the past again to try to stop him from doing the same to Ontario.

While we were talking, Pike and Steven were locked in deadly combat. Each punch Pike threw was swiftly blocked by Steven's shield and his hands were starting to bleed. Steven took the opportunity given by blocking a strong attempt to push Pete back and grab him by the throat. Pike must have said something very insulting about Steven's mother because I could feel the rage from far away. Steven was so mad that for just one second, his bubble shield popped out of existence. In that moment, Anatoli grabbed his gun and shot Steven in the head. Palkia assured me that Steven has incredibly high durability and wouldn't be killed by just one bullet but I'm not sure I believed him.

Steven's unconscious hands fell off of Pike's throat as he gasped for breath and rejoined us. With Steven unconscious, we'd need to navigate the Isaac mines alone. Mom's knife is just as useful in real life as it is in game so I was able to keep myself protected as we navigated the area until we came across a massive gateway. It was purely white, but a gold rectangle spread across horizontally about a third of the way up. Thomas Sowell and Daniel Shaw stood before the gate, we'd need to act fast if we wanted to stop them from getting inside.

Unfortunately, we didn't act fast enough. Shaw knocked on the gate and a booming voice came flying, seemingly out of nowhere. 'Where your vape at?' it called?

'Naturally, it's in my fanny pack.' Shaw replied and the ground began to shake. I was knocked on my feet, but my new companions (I guess I can call them that by now) were able to remain standing. The door pushed itself open and Shaw rushed inside, Sowell in tow.

Dialga looked Pike this time. 'We can't have a repeat of last time, stay behind.' He said, grabbed me by the waist and we followed in behind them, before the door was able to shut itself.

'We're here to stop you Shaw.' Palkia cried. I'd hoped we'd be able to go for the element of surprise but Palkia threw it out of the window. Anatoli fired all five of his guns at him, but Shaw was able to use his the intersect to teach himself defensive magic. With a wave of his hand a wall of glass was created between us and Shaw. When Anatoli's bullets collided with the glass, they were magically turned around and came flying at us. I was able to avoid getting hit but Anatoli was grazed several times.

'How could I allow myself to have been hurt by my own guns?' Anatoli asked and sat motionless on the ground. 'Is this what it's like to get shot by these? This is awful. I may need to re-evaluate my entire life.' He said and all five of his AR-15s fell to the ground.

'Anatoli, get up. You're our number one source of firepower!' Takumi yelled but it was a hopeless effort. Anatoli wouldn't budge.

I circled strafed Until there was a 90 degree angle between me, the rest of the team, and Shaw and thrust Mom's knife at him. It barely pierced Shaw and flew right back into my hand, just like it does in Isaac. Feeling the sensation of getting stabbed in the leg, Shaw recoiled a bit and looked me directly in the eye. His the intersect still gave him the ability to use magic so a large burst of flame came flying toward me. I ducked again to avoid getting caught on fire. If I weren't bald I'd have been at risk of having my hair ignited but I was safe from the flame. Shaw then created a spear of ice and threw it directly at me which I was barely able to slide out of the way of. Dialga and Palkia took this opportunity to rush toward Shaw and tackle him to the ground.

A sudden gust of wind came from the shadows of the hall. Thomas Sowell had been hiding, waiting for an opportunity to unleash the strongest spell found in his holy text, defending whirlwind. Dialga and Palkia were launched off of Shaw and a massive wall of wind kept them from getting to him. At this point, There was nothing standing between Shaw and the Absorption gate's sephiroth tree. With a hyperresonance spell, which shoots powerful energy, the tree was destroyed and the ground began to shake even further. Palkia gathered all six members of our team and used a power he called spacial rend to warped us all to safety.

Dialga started to tear up and said, 'I can't believe we've failed again. There's nothing we can do, Shaw's unbeatable, especially now.'

'He may have been strong, but if we come up with a good strategy, I'm sure we can beat him.' I said, trying to console Dialga.

'You weren't there to see it NL, it's hopeless.' Pike said 'During our last battle, Shaw used his the intersect on me. He knows about Warehouse 13. By the time we get there it'll be his.'

Thanks for watching, I hope you enjoyed the episode. If you did, click the like button, helps a great deal. Of course subscribe if you want to see more in the future. For now, thanks for watching I will see ya next time." Northernlion said, while Playing the Binding of Isaac but all of the Youtube Comments were about how he missed a tinted rock on floor one.

TO BE CONTINUED.


	4. Chapter 4: Americallapse

Dialga, Palkia, and Pure Evil Chapter 4: Americallapse.

Anatoli Sergievski worked a part time job at the New Beginning diner in New Orleans. Since he'd been shot several times by bullets he'd fired he abandoned his ten AR-15s as well as the crusaders from the evil future days would be spent sitting behind the counter, giving a slice of pie to customers who'd come from around the world for a slice of the New Orleans experience. he'd spend nights playing friendly games of chess with his new boss Rebecca de Winter Headwin. Even though he started the job in April he immediately set his calendar for the next Mardi Gras. Nothing excited him more than being able to see tourists celebrate the beginning of the Lenten season with a night of extreme debauchery and shenanigans.

One day the friends he abandoned, Dialga and Palkia magically transported their selves into the diner. They were far larger than he remembered them being and their massive presence ripped the roof off the building.

"Hey Anatoli, do you have any edibles?" Dialga asked. His voice boomed through the diner and cracked several windows. Many tables got thrown out of place, but neither Dialga nor Palkia noticed.

"I've told you this several times Dialga, I don't deal drugs, I play chess. Those careers couldn't be any more dissimilar." Anatoli said.

"You could have taken it up as a hobby though." Said Palkia. Palkia's feet were resting square on top of what was once the cake display fridge but was now a massive pile of broken glass and frosting.

"I didn't." Said Anatoli.

Rebecca's husband Charles pointed the two massive dragons out of the apartment and grabbed a mop for himself. The damage was too large for any cleaning he could do to make a serious impact, but he got started cleaning.

"This is going to cost us thousands. Fuck. I risked my life savings opening this." Charles said as he swept the dragon blood that spilled over broken glass into a garbage bin.

"I'm sorry. They came here looking for me. Is there anything I can do to help fix things up?" Anatoli asked but he knew efforts were futile. There wouldn't be a chess world championship for many months and those were the only time major money could be made off of the chess trade. The two cleaned in silence until the scents of roast turkey and the thickest, juiciest gravy imaginable floated into their noses. The diner didn't sell roast turkey; a visitor had arrived.

"This is the one situation I wanted most to avoid but the president, no all of America, needs your help." Secret Freddie Trumper sighed as he walked into the ruins where the New Beginning once stood. Back when he was the Chess World Champion president Carter decided it would be very useful to have someone who could shoot ten AR-15s in the secret service. His first mission was to see if the soviets were trying to rig the 1979 championships. He was such a useful agent that he didn't lose his job once he'd lost to Sergievski that very same year and was no longer able to shoot ten AR-15s at the same time. Freddie was so American that American Power (see "One Fist Man") took physical shape around him in the form of miniature versions of Captain America's roast turkey planets. Freddie's ego provided the gravitational pull that kept the turkeys rotating around him.

"Can't Trump take care of it himself? He's plenty powerful on his own and I'm a bit busy at the moment." Anatoli asked.

"He's a bit preoccupied at the moment too. The affair with Stormy Daniels has been taking up all of his time (Once again, see "One Fist Man"), and besides this is a job only you can do." Freddie replied. "What do you know about Warehouse 13?"

"It's a secret American facility run by the American Secret Service to keep secret artifacts out of the hands of those who don't understand their power." Anatoli Answered

"Who is currently in control of Warehouse 13?" Freddie asked, taunting Sergievski as if he already knew the answer.

"Don't remind me about Shaw. Based on how much time has passed since the affair in Ontario I know he has control." Anatoli silently shed a tear remembering the pain of being pierced by his own bullets.

"Only a few more questions. In what nation does Warehouse 13 preside?" Freddie asked.

"The USA." Anatoli said with extreme confidence.

"Yes. Warehouse 13 is practically overflowing with American Power. It's the most American place in Canada." Freddie said. Anatoli keeled back in shock.

"That's impossible. I'm sure it's part of the USA." He yelled.

"That's because it is." Freddie explained. "Did you know that American Power was once called North American power? The USA and Canada shared it evenly until president Wilson noticed the crust holding the USA was starting to sink. If he didn't act fast, the entire nation would come crumbling into the qliphoth and the world would lose our great nation. With enough of it North American power could hold up the entire crust but only if we had it all. Warehouse 13 was built in Canada to pull all the North American Power it could into the US and turn it into the American Power that fuels me and the rest of the USA. When Shaw used his the intersect on one of our agents he learned this and is going to destroy it giving half of it back."

"That's insane. If what you're saying is true that'd…" Anatoli said.

"Send all of the US on an all-expenses paid trip to the qliphoth. Shaw decided that dropping cities wasn't a big enough impact and is going for the big league. Your friends are already trying to hold him back, but they need your help Anatoli." Freddie said.

"I gave up my guns Freddie. I'll be no help to them without them." Anatoli continued, letting out another set of silent tears.

"I don't need you to shoot him, either way you can't. When you stopped shooting your AR-15s and disappeared the title of World Champion was up for grabs. I tried my best to defeat him but it was like he knew my every move. America's current #1 enemy now has the ability to shoot 10 AR-15s at the same time. You need to beat him so the crusaders have a fighting chance." Freddie pleaded.

"What's in it for me?" Anatoli asked.

"The president is a very rich man. As an early thank you he's said he can get you anything you want, including this diner fixed." Freddie said. The two rivals turned unfortunate allies shook hands. Freddie put on a pair of riding sunglasses and they both stepped out of the diner. A kick ass motorbike designed by Paul Senior from Orange County Choppers materialized out of thin air. The two stepped onto the bike and began to ride north.

Once it reached 1776 miles per hour Trumper's custom chopper ripped through space and pulled him and Sergievski across the border. As they passed by Freddie could swear he saw the same baldman being chased by the president, as well as fellow porn star Saitama, but they were moving too fast to apprehend him. Freddie's bike screeched to a stop in the middle of a sprawling desert. Sand moving along with the wind kept visibility very low. Neither Anatoli nor Freddie could see beyond.

"Welcome to the most American part of Canada." Trumper said. "Warehouse 13 lies somewhere in here. To find it, I've enlisted the help of the most American Canadian."

A figure cloaked in a thick winter coat and ski goggles appeared moving through the sand. He waved at Freddie and started running through the dunes. By the time he reached Freddie he was out of breath?

"You two need directions to the warehouse, right?" Unkle Adams asked as he pulled his ski goggles off. Unk and Freddie did a secret handshake which prompted the rapper to hop onto the chopper behind Anatoli. He and Freddie were already practically spooning, but it was now a triple spoon.

The three rode through the desert as quickly as they could. Unkle Adams directed Freddie to avoid the hazards littered around the desert. With Unk in tow there was no way they'd run into the cave of wonders (turns out Aladdin was set in Canada the whole time), or the Yiga Clan hideout (turns out Hyrule was set in Canada the whole time). After a short while they arrived at the gates to Warehouse 13.

Time was running out. There was so little of it left that they didn't have any to spare looking at the Warehouse in any way so it will not be described. Unkle Adams and Freddie pushed amateur agents Weiss Schnee and Carmine Prime out of the way so Anatoli could get to the Warehouse's most dangerous artifact.

By the time Anatoli reached Woodrow Wilson's magnet of American Power Dialga, Palkia, Pete Lattimer, Takumi Aldini, and Northernlion were all on their knees. Shaw and his two most powerful God Generals Thomas Sowell the Prophet and Sanji the Pirate stood confidently on their legs. Shaw looked directly into Anatoli's eyes. He seemed more amused than genuinely worried.

"I assume you want to play chess." Shaw laughed as the words slipped from his mouth.

"Go to Hell." Anatoli's response was spat out of his mouth. "You'll wish we played Chess after I'm done with you."

"So we'll be chessboxing then?" Shaw continued to laugh.

"That's pussy shit Daniel Shaw. Put on your gear, we're megalo chessboxing. Winner becomes world champion." Anatoli Sergievski yelled. "Takumi can you stand?" he continued as his youngest companion nodded. "Great, I'm going to need you to work my corner."

"I know you're not doing this for America. What's your motivation?" Shaw asked as Thomas Sowell grabbed a powerful looking gold gear off a Warehouse shelf beside them.

"You know Damn well what my motivation is. I want to shoot you with ten AR-15s at the same time." Takumi helped Anatoli get into his gear while the former world champion taunted his opponent. The left half of Anatoli's gear was glowing, letting off blinding white light, while his right was pitch black. Shaw used the magic abilities granted by his the intersect to place a regulation boxing ring in the center of the warehouse. There was a chessboard in the center of the ring where the two met. They shook hands and met in the center, their battle would begin.

Shaw moved his pawn placed at G2 to G4. Anatoli responded by flipping the table with his right hand and throwing a powerful hook with his left, catching Shaw off guard knocking him to the ground.

"Who said the first round would be chess?" Anatoli strutted around the ring as Shaw got back up. Both fighters got into boxing stance and circled around each other. Any mistake would leave them open to getting their face seriously damaged by a robot enhanced super punch so both fighters kept their distance. Anatoli feigned a jab twice and stepped in with a right cross. Shaw parried the right, stepped to the side and countered with a right hook to Anatoli's stomach. Shaw took the opportunity to catch Anatoli with a powerful uppercut. Anatoli was stunned and gasping for breath. He knew gear allowed for stronger punches, but he didn't expect to be bleeding after only two blows. Anatoli threw two jabs to push Shaw away from him and continued to circle. The rest of the first round involved both trying to find holes in the other's defense but any punch thrown was swiftly blocked. When the bell rang the chessboard was placed back in the center and both walked up to it.

Once again Shaw moved his pawn placed at G2 to G4. Anatoli responded by moving his pawn placed at D7 to D5. Shaw moved his pawn placed at H2 to H3. Anatoli moved H7 to H5 and Shaw countered by moving G4 to G5. Anatoli blocked Shaw's pawn by moving H7 to H6. If Shaw was trying to move it forward he would be unable to unless Anatoli moved F7 to F6 or H8 to H6. Shaw moved D2 to D4 to block a pawn Anatoli placed earlier. In response, Anatoli was the first player to move a piece that wasn't a pawn. His bishop slid from F8 to G7. Shaw's pawn was unable to move and placed directly in the bishop's line of fire. Jumping to defend his pawn Shaw moved a knight from B1 to C3. Anatoli moved a pawn from C7 to C6 as the first round of Chess ended.

Anatoli stepped back to his corner and was given a warm towel by Takumi.

"Your chess game is top notch, but you're getting your ass kicked in the ring. Here smell this." Anatoli's new coach held a small bottle in his hand and held it to his athlete's nose.

"Did you find a way to liquify smelling salts? Wait, why is my ass so loose?" Anatoli yelled out in confusion.

"They're called poppers. They'll loosen." Takumi replied

"Did you just fucking drug me?" Anatoli asked.

"Don't ask about it." Takumi answered.

"Aren't you vehemently anti-drug?" Anatoli would not stop asking about it.

"Get out there and punch that man several times in the head." Takumi yelled. Shaw began the second round far more aggressively than the last. He rushed forward popped two jabs, ducked under A hook Anatoli tried to throw as a counter, and threw a right cross to the body. He and Sowell must have spent their down time discussing strategy. Though Anatoli was hurt he was unphased by the powerful string of punches and was able to notice Shaw rising back to eye level with an uppercut. Anatoli stepped back as Shaw's glove rose past him. Once Shaw's hand was out of the way Anatoli countered with two hooks. The light coming from his left blinded Shaw momentarily, leaving him unable to see the more powerful punch coming from the right.

Sanji the pirate watched his boss stumble to his right. Whether Shaw won or lost he still had an obligation as one of the six God Generals to provide backup so he rushed forward and did a spinning kick knocking the crusaders that weren't participating in Megalo Chessboxing from their knees to on their stomachs. Sanji was so busy taunting the four he'd swept that he didn't notice that Dialga's arms serve as legs. Dialga swept both of his arm legs, tripping Sanji to the ground.

"Somebody deal with Sanji. I'm getting my weed pipe back." Dialga yelled and watched patiently while Thomas Sowell worked Shaw's corner. Pete Lattimer fired a quick tesla shot to knock Sanji unconscious. This nonviolent solution was rendered useless by Northerlion who stabbed Sanji several times in the chest with Mom's knife. Anatoli and Shaw were practically locked into each other's arms. Sowell cheered when Shaw pushed his opponent away and took the opportunity to catch him with a left hook. Anatoli fell to the ground as a referee who also got summoned by Shaw's magic started counting.

"One… Two…" Anatoli lie motionless, the only things he could move were his eyes.

"Three… Four…" Shaw started to laugh, the second round was about to end but he dematerialized the chessboard. He was sure he wouldn't be using it again.

"Five… Six…" Anatoli mustered just enough strength to start moving his arms. He needed to get up. While he knew he couldn't take Shaw he'd have a fair shot at victory on the chessboard.

"Seven… Eight…" Shaw turned around just in time to see coach Sowell get tackled to the ground by a blue blur. Dialga's massive dragon legs rammed into Sowell several times until Thomas dropped two gems. One of these gems was in the shape of a regular gemstone, the other was in the shape of a weed pipe.

"Your move Shaw." Anatoli Sergievski called, sitting at a chessboard formed entirely out of his will.

"That's impossible. You couldn't move just moments ago." Shaw cried.

"I don't think you get. My desire to shoot is so strong that just this once it twisted reality. I've got just enough time to finish you off before I'm knocked unconscious." Anatoli yelled. Both players were moving pieces in a frenzy wiping out their opponent's legion faster than could be comprehended by anyone who wasn't playing the game. Eventually each player only had a single king left. In a regulation chess match the game would've ended in a stalemate but this was Megalo Chessboxing enhanced by Anatoli Sergievski's willpower. The two kings on the chessboard sprung to life and started throwing massive flurries of punches at each other.

"whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi whi" Shaw's king yelled as it countered a near unending series of blows from its rival.

"bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla" Each time a punch was blocked Anatoli's king cried louder and started to throw faster. At the end of the second round of Chess. Shaw's king was rubble, the game was over. Shaw stood motionless in defeat. Ten AR-15s stood before Anatoli Sergievski. He rested each of them in one of his fingers, it was a feeling he'd missed after not having held his guns for a few weeks. Anatoli began to smile as he opened fire on Daniel Shaw, ending his reign of terror.

Thomas Sowell pushed Dialga off of his body and started to look through the Warehouse for anything he could use as a weapon, eventually he settled on a large green scale.

"You may have beaten Shaw but you can't stop the Americallapse. It's for the greater good." Sowell yelled as he thrust the scale at Woodrow Wilson's magnet. A large stream of American Power shot into the sky and moments later a massive roar was heard. Warehouse 13 began to shake from the power of the roar.

"Thomas you fool! Do you know what you just did?" Carmine rushed into the hall and saw Godzilla's scale lying on Woodrow Wilson's magnet. "You just woke up Godzilla by feeding him pure American Power. He'll probably want more and Warehouse 13 won't be able to stop him on our own. You're in a lot of trouble."

Weiss Schnee handcuffed Thomas Sowell and personally escorted him into a secure Warehouse 13 jail cell. Her and Carmine locked the door then escorted the crusaders out of the building. She individually shook each of their hands.

"The entire USA thanks you for saving the Warehouse crusaders. We'll deal with Godzilla on our own when the time comes." Weiss said. She didn't look any of them in the eye, she was staring directly at the ground.

The crusaders parted ways. In a sense, the only one who got what he wanted was Anatoli Sergievski. Shooting the air, Patrick Bateman, Pierre Bezukhov wearing the skin of Patrick Bateman, Steven Universe, Daniel Shaw, and Daniel Shaw a second time was so fulfilling for him that the others felt accomplished. With Dialga's lucky weed pipe back in his psychic link that he used in lieu of hands and the USA partially saved he and Palkia returned to their normal size. Once each crusader faded out of their line of sight Palkia reached into the area of space he'd put held items and pulled out some dank kush.

"Wow, turns out we had more marijuana the whole time." Palkia said.

"Yeah, this entire adventure was born completely of our own ignorance." The two laughed as they lit up the bowl and began to smoke once again.

THE END


End file.
